slow down you crazy child

on the importance of taking a damn break

A couple months ago I was absolutely wiped.

Winter was here, which meant the sun only made an appearance around 8 in the morning and was gone long before 5pm. I could feel my body wanting to slow down and take it easy but I whacked out my trusty SAD lamp and told myself I had to keep pushing on.

There was just so much to do! I had to work, I had to clean my flat, I had to feed myself, I had to stretch my body, see my friends, get to the gym, read this book, write this thing, respond to this email, do the laundry, schedule this, reply to that, get this done, sort that out...

All very normal, positive things in the grand scheme of it. But it had become too much. My mental health plummeted and I was barely able to wash a dish, let alone pick up a pen and write.

I was exhausted, mentally and physically, but still reluctant to rest. I couldn’t help seeing slowing down as failure - that I wouldn’t be doing enough, writing enough, being enough.

But something had to give.

Photo by Frames For Your Heart on Unsplash

Your body whispers until it shouts. And soon every cell in my body was screaming at me to stop. I could barely get out of bed and make it through the day, let alone do the creative things that bring me joy.

So I gave in. I slowed down.

And the world kept turning.

And I was still a part of it. Just… pausing. For a moment.

I let myself pull inwards and hibernate. I binned the to-do lists and took the pressure off. Stayed away from social media. Missed out on events. Cancelled everything that wasn’t absolutely essential. And it was so hard, at first. I hate changing plans once I’ve committed to something. I also have horrific FOMO and was convinced I was going to miss every cool thing to ever happen ever and that my absence would be noted and judged (how silly is that??).

So I had to really try to not beat myself up or worry I was missing out. I let myself be. Focused on nurturing the space I was in right now. Took myself on my own little internal retreat and shut out the outside world as much as I could.

“Where’s the fire, what’s the hurry about? / You’d better cool it off before you burn it out.

You’ve got so much to do / And only so many hours in a day, hey.”

Lyrics from ‘Vienna’ by Billy Joel.

As the quiet weeks went by, after tens of wellbeing walks around the block and long magnesium salt soaks in the bath, slowly, slowly, I started to feel a weight lift off me. I started to feel light again, in increments. Life - which had felt so overwhelmingly impossible to balance a few weeks ago - was now starting to feel exciting. I was becoming invigorated by the feeling of possibility again, something I had been numb to for far too long.

And would you believe it, in a plot development I’m sure no one saw coming: after I took some time away from the world to rest and recharge, I came back feeling so much better.

It’s amazing how hard I resisted something that I so desperately needed. But the world we live in doesn’t make it easy to slow down - we’re hyperconnected, driven by productivity, and the world moves so fast it makes it feel super risky to step away from it all for a bit. Throw in being a creative to the mix, and you might get the added pressure of feeling like you need to be switched on and creating something all the time.

But that’s just not how it works. Not how being a human works. Especially in the winter, when it’s cold and dark and our bodies crave slowing down.

We aren’t machines, so there’s no point expecting to produce a consistent output in all areas of our lives all the time. Energy ebbs and flows like the tides. It’s important to honour that - otherwise it’ll start to run dry.

You can’t pour from an empty cup etc etc.

The song Vienna by Billy Joel has become a bit of an anthem for me whenever I start to feel a bit bleh for slowing down. It reminds me that you don’t have to try be everything you dream of being right now. That it’s ok to “lose” a few days, disappear for a while.

He says Vienna will be waiting, which is true. And so will the whole wide world.

So take your time. Rest up. Heal. Find your joy again. Don’t worry about what’s going on out there, it’s not going anywhere.

When will you realise, the world waits for you. It’s waiting, and will keep waiting.

You’ll come back when you’re ready.

Watch Vienna - Billy Joel